


just a white blood cell (fighting like hell for you)

by eachandeverydimension



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Character Study, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-10
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-01-18 21:23:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1443457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eachandeverydimension/pseuds/eachandeverydimension
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of character studies and snippets about Adam. Somehow, Ronan appears more often than not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Adam supposes that what he admires most about Ronan is how completely unapologetic he is. Ronan is so purely Ronan, a man of his own making, that no one would ever be able to lay claim on him. He won't change for anyone, neither does he want to fit in. He's so confident in that disdainful way he is that Adam is envious. Adam is - maybe not completely at the other end of the spectrum from Ronan, but definitely a far cry from him. He is so distinctively unhappy with who he is, but at the same time full of self-doubt about whether he will ever become the person he wants to become. It's a sort of pull-push, tug-of-war that he's caught in, having already departed from where he was but stranded without fuel to reach the place where he wants to be.

 

There's an acute lack of self-esteem he has, Adam supposes. He's so dissatisfied with who he is, yet not confident that he could ever be anyone else. He cares too much about how people see him and what they think of him to be sure of himself. A sideways glance and Adam convinces himself that someone can tell that he grew up in a trailer park instead of sprawling mansions like the Aglionby boys. Adam sometimes wishes that he could be more like Ronan, not because he wants self-destructive tendencies, but it would be nice to be so completely sure of where his place in the world was. To be able to look at someone in the eye and not give a rat's ass about what he thinks.


	2. Chapter 2

Adam is wary of Ronan on first sight, which is the way most people seem to feel when they meet Ronan. A warning klaxon blares in their subconscious that this boy is dangerous, he is a knife with no handle, if you get too close to him, he will cut you into shreds.

Adam sees a boy with a shaved head step into the doorway of the Latin classroom, head angled to talk to someone, and all of that flashes through Adam’s mind. Adam can see the irritated twist of the dangerous boy’s lips, and the sharp nod he makes at the words of his unseen conversation partner.

“You have to go to class, Ronan,” a voice says, with that buttery-rich accent that everybody seems to have in Aglionby. It echoes in the wooden-floored hallways in between classes, and it makes Adam more self-conscious than ever. It is only the first month of school, but already teachers have called on him in every class, adept at sniffing out the only nervous scholarship student while all the other Aglionby boys lounge in their seats as if they were kings on a throne. When Adam answers, voice tripping and clumsy, it feels wrong, and he can feel the eyes of everyone on him, even though he knows his answers are correct, and the teacher says so, dismissing him with a _thank you, Mr Parrish_ that sounds a little disappointed.

The dangerous boy – Ronan - is caught by the teacher by his desk, who says,” How lovely of you to join us, Mr Lynch,” loud enough for everyone to hear. Latin spills out of Ronan’s mouth effortlessly, the syllables right at home in his throat, a retort, by the look on the teacher’s face. He turns his sharp eyes onto the rest of the classroom, and sits down in a desk in the middle of the room.

For all of his advance studying and the month of Latin lessons, Adam cannot decipher a word of what made Mr. Whelk‘s normally bland expression turn so sour. His previous school had taught Spanish.

Adam can’t help but to notice Ronan Lynch. The way he hunches in his seat and folds his arms, not in a defensive way, but angrily. From his seat directly behind Ronan, Adam cannot see his face, but he can see in his mind the frown that Ronan trains on the front of the classroom. Ronan’s table is completely empty, and he plays with the leather bands on his wrist while the teacher talks, but for all three times that the teacher calls him, his answers are curt and correct, like he couldn’t care less, which Adam suspects that Ronan completely doesn’t. Adam thinks that he can see some dark lines beneath the thin white material of Ronan’s shirt where it’s stretched tight across his shoulders. Perhaps a tattoo, but Adam would have to take a closer look to confirm that. An image of grease-stained fingers tracing the lines of Ronan’s tattoo flashes across Adam’s vision quick as a blink.

At the end of the lesson, Ronan breezes out of Latin without a second glance at anyone else. He leaves the room, but stays in Adam’s mind for the rest of the week.


	3. Chapter 3

There are happy families where Adam lives. Henrietta residents who are content with the life they’ve forged in this dusty glorified parking lot. Kids wrestle and play in the dirt amongst scrubby plants and their laughter make the air seem lighter and less oppressing. When they turn up at home with sandy dirt ground into their skin, their mothers chide them good-naturedly and kiss them on the forehead. At dinnertime, when the fathers come home from the factory or the garage, tired from hard work, they still muster up a smile and heft their kids up into their aching arms.

Adam is not one of them. He’s seen another life, and he’s no longer satisfied with what he has. Sometimes he wonders what would have happened to him if Aglionby hadn’t been set up in Henrietta. If some rich man had chosen another random little poor town to situate his boarding school in, and deprived Adam of the chance to see and yearn after Aglionby boys every time he goes into town. If he wouldn’t be so hungry for what he doesn’t have.

Because oh, how he stares. He notices everything. Their hands, calloused from rushing out essays and rowing crew, not from working in the garage fixing engines. Their flashy cars, resplendent in whatever eye-catching neon color is in trend, blowing through the highways past tired grey Hondas, like birds of paradise amongst pigeons. The way they spend money like it doesn’t cost anything at all (what a fucking joke, what a contradiction). Their complete lack of knowledge of how to live like a normal person. Staining a shirt with ketchup and waving it off with _I’ll just buy another one tomorrow_ , or never stepping foot into a public library before because it’s so much more convenient to just buy books.

How Adam hated them. How he wanted to be them. He wanted to walk into a room and possess it, capture the attention of everyone in it instead of hiding himself. He wanted to walk into the coffee shop in town that catered to Aglionby boys, decked out with gilt frame mirrors and dark wood paneling and feel like he belonged.

Adam wanted, and his wanting only got worse when he got a scholarship to Aglionby.

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Kaleidoscope Eyes by Panic! At The Disco.
> 
> I read The Raven Boys, and absolutely loved it. For some reason, Adam really resonated with me, so he's the one who's been stubbornly clinging onto the back of my mind.
> 
> Probably more to come!


End file.
